Thank you for bringing yourself, your children, and your vegetables to our classes last week. The soup was delicious both days, and children found areas or social situations in the room to explore alone or with parents or with each other.
Our children grow and change. In the generally harmonious and sometimes lively rhythm of our first classes, I had a few parents ask me questions about how to support their children when they were struggling over a toy, taking a toy away, or having a toy taken away. It is my understanding that Vanessa Kohlhauss gave a well-attended and helpful talk about infant and toddler conflict last spring. I also find that I as a parent and teacher have to keep updating and refreshing and renewing my attitude toward conflict as my own children and children in my class change, and as I as a parent and teacher fall into old habits. As Trice Atchinson writes in this article from Sophia's Hearth about conflict, many of us as adults (me, at least, when I do not remind myself) wish the conflict would go away. It is often most helpful for our children, however, when we welcome conflict as a chance for children to grow and learn. When Kim Payne--who gave a talk about discipline last month in Langley--helps schools develop plans to promote social inclusion and decrease bullying, he makes it very clear that the end goal is not a school or a world free from all discord and conflict. Even as he coaches elementary and middle school teachers to deal from a therapist's perspective with some very tricky and potentially abusive situations, he still reminds teachers that for many conflicts, the teacher should, "Not just do something but stand there." Our presence and support are sometimes enough to help children move through and grow from conflict.
Among the many things I like about Atchinson's article is the manner in which she weaves together books from Waldorf education (some of which are in our parent's library in the lobby; Beyond the Rainbow Bridge is an excellent and concise introduction to many of the principles of Waldorf education, for example) with wisdom from Emmi Pikler, Magda Gerber, Loczy in Hungary, and RIE in California. Atchinson suggests that there will be times to redirect the children. Wise Waldorf kindergarten teachers from decades past show us how effective imaginative pictures ("The barge is carrying the wood to the harbor" instead of "You need to put those blocks away now!") can be in guiding our children through the day. There will also be times when--especially if parents find it supportive--the struggle is productive for the children, and we can resist the urge to redirect the children's attention elsewhere. Sophia's Hearth itself, in Keene, New Hampshire, explicitly works with the wisdom of Waldorf Education and Rudolf Steiner and the wisdom of Pikler and Gerber and RIE. Susan Weber, one its directors, finds this weaving an excellent and respectful way to meet the needs of very young children and their parents.
With the infants and toddlers in our classes, we have to make judgment calls. Even after reading the article from Sophia's Hearth, even if you feel inspired to have patience if your child is in a conflict, if you find it is 10:45am and you know your child is exhausted, that may not be the best time to allow your child to struggle over a toy with another child. As the article mentions, sometimes the teacher or parent realizes that this particular moment is not the right one for the conflict to bring learning (hunger, fatigue, new situation, possible illness coming on). When the children are of different ages or at different stages of development when the same age, we may have to intervene more often. If I am available (not leading a circle, song, or with hands full of bread dough), I will help when I can. Like Atchinson in her classes, I find it helpful to be available, nearby, and ready to put a gentle arm to block a blow as children struggle. It is amazing how often it happens that when teacher or parent describes the situation without judgment ("Jane and Jenny are both grabbing for the same shovel"), children, once acknowledged, will find a solution. Elsewhere in Beyond the Rainbow Bridge, Barbara Patterson writes of listening to a dispute between two kindergarten children. Both were heated; both were blaming the others. For Patterson, there seemed to be no way to move the situation without seeming to favor one child over the other. A 6 year old who had heard the whole conversation intervened and said, "Just go try again." The two other children, quite satisfied, returned to their play and worked everything out. Just as Gerber and Pikler encourage us as parents to allow our children to achieve their movement milestones in their own way and in their own time, sometimes our children secretly wish we would trust them to resolve their conflicts in their own way. Because we also want to keep our children safe physically and emotionally, this is difficult work, with lots of room for confusion and not knowing.
Sometimes our attitude toward conflict can be very helpful to young children. When we approach a heated situation with confidence that matters can work out, our children will pick up on our confidence. As Sharifa Oppenheimer suggests (as quoted by Atchinson), if we can use the same tone in possibly tense situations that we use when we say "Here's the towel," we convey this confidence and clarity. I find it helpful for myself to think "Here's the towel" as I prepare to intervene in a possibly explosive situation. Magda Gerber was extremely effective in using "I-statements" when she communicated with infants and toddlers and their parents. Indeed, I-statements can often remove the tone of judgment that "you-statements" can carry. Sometimes, however, even I-statements can trip us up, take us out of the moment, or invite conflict in a different way. Especially in my teaching of nursery and kindergarten children, I find that ontological statements about what is ("The coat is on the floor" rather than "You need to pick up that coat" or "I worry I might trip on this coat") can be most helpful. Two paragraphs from Whole Child/Whole Parent by Polly Berrien Berends help me to frame my thinking about this. Here is a piece I composed about this beyond personal way of speaking to children. Berends' book is available in the parent's library and is well worth a read. It is not a fast read, and I would differ with some of Berends' recommendations about motor development, toys, and cleaning, but her book helps us as parents transform the challenges of parenting and being into something that will help child and parent grow and learn.
With warmth and light,
William Dolde
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